artwork: ralph murre
WHEN PENIS WALKED THE EARTH
by Charles Ries
I never thought of
it as evolving. At least not like this.
Never thought about
when it first raised it’s proud little head.
But a 425-million
year old fossil found in Herefordshire ,
England
changed all that.
The oldest record of an animal that was unarguably
male made me stop
and take stock. A tiny crustacean, only
two-tenths of an
inch long - with an unmistakable penis.
They christened it Colymbosathon Ecplecticos which means
“swimmer with a
large penis.”
Scientists say it
had copulatory organs one-third the length of
its body. Wow. Makes
a guy sit back and think about all the
evolutionary
outcomes. The cars we’d drive or the clothes we’d
wear.
Monkeys became men.
Fish learned to fly.
Penises roamed
prehistoric earth.
I guess some things
never change.
~ first published in
the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
