artwork: ralph murre
WHEN PENIS WALKED THE EARTH
by Charles Ries
I never thought of it as evolving. At least not like this.
Never thought about when it first raised it’s proud little head.
But a 425-million year old fossil found in
changed all that. The oldest record of an animal that was unarguably
male made me stop and take stock. A tiny crustacean, only
two-tenths of an inch long - with an unmistakable penis.
They christened it Colymbosathon Ecplecticos which means
“swimmer with a large penis.”
Scientists say it had copulatory organs one-third the length of
its body. Wow. Makes a guy sit back and think about all the
evolutionary outcomes. The cars we’d drive or the clothes we’d
Monkeys became men.
Fish learned to fly.
Penises roamed prehistoric earth.
I guess some things never change.
~ first published in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel